


In My Head

by Geri_Lea



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 02:13:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4688636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geri_Lea/pseuds/Geri_Lea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after Mark's big shut at Interlagos with WEC and Mark suffering from an unusual head injury.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In My Head

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this ages ago wanting to write a Christmas fic. Thought posting it now was better than never.

 

At this point in his career Mark had experienced a lot of accidents, and he hadn’t skimped on making some of them pretty spectacular. Brazil is different, and Mark finds himself winded and unable to move in the cockpit of his car. It’s over in a blink, before your brain can process it all really, but he knew what to expect when you flirt with death. All the aerial flips and stunts he’d performed in his past crashes, he’d had the flashes of his life pass before his eyes so to speak, well really the faces of his family, rather than his life.

There’s a part of his brain that is aware that the team were on the radio, that those voices were getting more urgent, but Mark can’t breathe. He really can’t breathe because for some fucked up reason there was blue eyes printed in his vision. That’s all he’d seen as he careened full speed, out of control and into a wall – blue eyes, bright smiles, a thousand variations of each. It was as if the world around him had disappeared as his car shattered apart except for an epileptic like slide show of his ex-teammate.

Clearly he was dying and on his way to hell.

 

Lights being shined into his eyes had become a common occurrence since his accident, but today Mark doesn’t mind. It was his final assessment and he could return home. He was looking forward to crawling into his own bed and…

“How’s your head today Mark?” His doctor asks reaching for her chart as she pulls a pen from the top pocket of her coat.

“Just a headache,” Mark shrugs before wincing and remembering that he had more than a concussion, he’d done a bang up of job of leaving his body bruised and tender.

She nods. “Anything else?” It was like she didn’t believe him that she knew he was lying.

“I’m having trouble sleeping,” he admits.

“Understandable. I’ll write you a prescription for some strong painkillers. Take them before your flight, your body still needs rest to recover.”

Mark watches as she writes it out and knows it won’t do anything to help him sleep. Pain wasn’t the issue, he wishes it was the issue. It was evident to Mark, that he clearly had extensive brain injuries that hadn’t been picked up in the scans. There had to be an explanation why his head was conjuring up images of his ex-teammate.

Every time he closed his eyes Sebastian fucking Vettel was right there. If he let himself, he didn’t just _see_ Sebastian, recall him in perfect clarity, he could hear him. Sleep was like reliving the past in 3D. And his dreams weren’t filled with the screaming matches of 2010 or the bitterness after Malaysia last year; he wishes they were. Instead his memories seemed to be made up of moments he almost believes weren’t real.

  * Meeting Sebastian for the first time, fresh and eager and with a sickening enthusiasm. Sebastian looked up at him in a way Mark is sure no one had ever looked at him before.


  * The Red Bull Christmas party from 2009 where Sebastian had almost glued himself to his side, where he remembered each brush of their shoulders, each smile Sebastian had given him, and those clear blue eyes that were full of hope.


  * It’s the same wistful hope in the pool at Monaco after his win in 2010 right before things went shit, when they burst to the surface of the harbour. He can hear Sebastian’s laughter, his cursing in German and feel every fistful of overalls Sebastian grabbed at to pull themselves free. God it was so real he could smell the fucking stench of the water.


  * He remembers 2011 and every time he brushed past Sebastian in the paddock with a cold shoulder. Only now he was aware of how Sebastian had slowed his pace when he’d approached, could see his eyes light up for a fraction a second before it’s gone because Mark hadn’t even blinked at him. But Mark can see it now, can watch it in slow motion if he wants to, and there’s no joy at watching the hurt gaze fill Sebastian’s eyes like Mark expects, not when Mark can see how much more perfect those eyes were they shone with that hope.


  * There’s the post season break up party at Christian’s the following year where Mark had been wasted, he knows that because as of three days ago, he hadn’t been able to recall that night at all. Now the whole night revolved around Sebastian, both getting hammered, listening to stupid German jokes that made no sense, along with a heated make out session in the dark. Mark relived the entire kiss in full glory from the softness of his lips to the delicious warmth of his mouth and his breathy pants. There was no possible way he’d _ever_ made out with Vettel, even if he could now recall the moment with excruciating detail, right down to tasting the alcohol from Sebastian’s tongue.


  * Leaving the Red Bull factory for the last time had seen an awkward goodbye between him and Sebastian. They’d shaken hands, Mark can close his eyes feel the squeeze of his fingers, see the sad smile he gets from Sebastian before they then turn the awkward handshake into an even awkwarder hug. It lingers, Sebastian’s face pushing into his throat, the mumbled ‘I’m sorry’ something he hadn’t heard then, but hears now. Never once had Sebastian apologised to him for anything, and now those two words were like two heavy stones in his head.



Mark had banged his head in the car and had been granted access to his past, though it was exclusively set to one channel only. He was being forced to relive moments that had been spun wildly around, like his brain had jumbled up his memories. Each one convincing him that he was crazy, and more determined to never again close his eyes. He was making sleep optional until his head was fully back on board with despising the smug ass of Vettel rather than rapidly growing idea that Sebastian never quite hated him and he might have been an ass.

 

The bump on his head was gone a week after he returned home, his bruises faded, stiffness healed. The only post-crash injury that remained was his perfect crystal clarity memories of Sebastian Vettel. It’s a form of torture. That’s how Mark would describe it to anyone if he dared mentioned it to anyone. He feels like his whole world had been turned upside down.

It wasn’t that he didn’t remember the many heated disagreements, their vicious arguments that were driven by Vettel’s ruthlessness on track, he just couldn’t recall them with the same heat and anger that he felt at the time. Those memories seemed dulled in comparison to the memory of Sebastian’s smiles and eyes; brainwashed by his own fucking head. Mark had never felt so exhausted in his life.

He was losing his mind, Mark was sure of it, and he meant it literally as well as figuratively. There was no escape, no place to retreat to, he couldn’t close his eyes and block it out; he had nowhere to go and _just think_. Every time he closed his eyes he was bombarded with Seb. Sebastian had stolen a lot from him in their years together, race wins, championships, _his fucking team_ , but now he might have quite possibly stolen his sanity.

Desperate times lead to desperate acts.

 

“Mark?” Christian looked surprised to see Mark on his doorstep, and it should be a surprise.

Since walking away from Red Bull, he could count the amount of times he’d seen Christian on one hand, and all of those had been obligations. To think that they had once been so close… it was simply another thing that Sebastian had taken from him.

“Hey mate,” Mark gives him a tight smile, hands pushing into his pockets as he hunches his shoulders. His attempt to make himself smaller was a lost a cause with his height.

“This is…. unexpected.” Christian leaves it at that before he waves him inside and sets about making them tea.

Mark removes his jacket, attempts a few deep breaths to calm himself before joining Christian at the table where two steaming cups of tea were placed.

“How have you been?” Christian asks, helping himself to sugar. “I was relieved to hear that you had escaped your crash with minor injuries. You don’t much fancy that corner at Brazil do you?”

Mark smiles at that. “Nah, we have a love hate relationship.”

“Yes, well you are quite fond of those,” Christian’s response has silence fall over them for a moment as the reference to Sebastian. Clearing his throat, Christian continues, “So what brings you here?”

“I needed to talk to you about Sebastian actually.” There was no point dancing around the topic, it was going to be awkward as fuck regardless.

The spoon Christian removed from his tea drops back in with a splash. “Oh?”

Mark’s lips press together tightly for a moment before he dives in. “I hit my head in the crash, and since then I have this _thing_ …” He didn’t want to go in too much detail but he needed to confirm the one detail he now had recollection of prior to the crash, and maybe the one that he thought of a _little_ too much.

Christian raises his eyebrows, but remains silent so Mark can continue.

“At the end of 2012, we had that party at your place, I was hammered.” The snort Christian gives has Mark smile wryly. “I woke up the day after that party with no memory of the night besides a killer headache as a memento.”

“And you weren’t the only one,” Christian remembers.

“So after Brazil, I hit my head and I can recall things from that evening. I think I do anyway, but -“

“You want confirmation,” Christian finishes for him.

“Yeah, I suppose,” Mark nods. “If you can.”

Christian shrugs. “If I can help, I will. What do you remember?”

“Seb and I…” He trails off not sure at all how to ask his former boss if he’d seen something between him and Sebastian without giving away the fact that they may have made out if he didn’t know. “Did you see us that night?”

Christian had added another lump of sugar to his tea, and Mark watches as his gentle circling of his spoon stops mid stir. Glancing at his face, gave nothing else away. “You spent most of the evening together,” Christian speaks slowly, apparently as eager as Mark was to tread cautiously over the topic. “I was worried that things would escalate so I was keeping an eye on things.”

“Did things uh… escalate?” Mark takes a gulp of his tea, enjoying the burn in his throat as a distraction.

“Not in the way I had envisioned, but yes,” Christian nods, his eyes were now locked with Mark, watching him carefully. “Neither you nor Sebastian remember that night Mark, for the record.”

“Till now,” Mark stares down at his tea. So he had kissed Seb. “You never said anything?”

There’s a snorted laugh from across from the table. “Why? Things were complicated enough Mark. One drunk moment wasn’t going to see me both pull you in a room a few days later and demand to know what the hell was going on. I dropped it. I left you and Sebastian to your own devices, as much as I always could over the years.”

That was not how Mark would have called the situation. He remembered Christian stepping in far too much and it rarely ever was to stand on his side.

Christian must read his mind because he shakes his head with a sad smile. “So, this new memory of yours,” It was an unsubtle change of subject, “Clearly has been bothering you.”

“Yeah, I hate him.” There’s no venom behind the statement like there should have been, he sounded tired more than anything.

“But it wasn’t always like that,” Christian sighs remembering on the early days which had been so much happier. “You were quite close to him at one point.”

“A load of bullshit,” Mark throws himself back into his chair. “We were never close, not really.” He had the fucking perfect memory to argue that fully as well. They had their moments early on, they were friendly, maybe a little too friendly, but despite all that, Mark couldn’t save his life with telling you what Seb’s favourite colour was.

Silence is Christian’s response and it’s frustrating. “What did you see? In general between us. I hated him, I made no secret of that fact,” Mark asks, putting in effort to not snap, after all he was bringing up the subject.

“I saw a spark between you both from the moment you both first met, one that never grew more than that. I watched you both completely disassemble your relationship as friends, as teammates. I listened to you argue, from races to the most petty items. I watched as you ripped into each other, hurt each other without ever laying a physical punch. I saw the fallout from each and every one of those events in both of you individually,” Christian’s speech spilled his frustration in regards to the task of managing them both. “It was complete opposite reactions. Day and night apart.”

“I hated him,” Mark whispers in response, chest growing tight with Christian’s implication.

“Yes,” Christian agrees. “As you said, that was no secret. You bit at Seb, and he bit back; out of defence, not hate.” His former boss stands up, taking his empty tea cup to the kitchen sink, leaving Mark sitting alone with Christian’s words sinking deeper.

“Sorry we made things shit,” Mark apologises when Christian returns, and he’s rewarded with a smile.

“You made things interesting,” Christian counters. “It wasn’t always bad.”

“True,” Mark closes his eyes for a moment, flashes back to Monaco in 2010, and Sebastian’s breathless laughter as they tried to keep from drowning in the harbour. There were definitely good times, even if a few weeks ago he would have mentioned very different moments from his time at Red Bull.

“Hey,” Christian’s hand falls to his shoulder, halting Mark from standing up. “It’s in the past. Forget that you can recall one night. You were drunk, it doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Mark looks up at him, opening his mouth to tell him the past felt like it was now the present. That for the last three weeks he had relived his entire relationship with Sebastian with new eyes, maybe with a view that wouldn’t have been dissimilar to that of Christian’s. “Do you have Sebastian’s current number?”

Christian’s hand drops from his shoulder, lips pursing as he contemplates the idea, not looking shocked at the request as much as Mark did because he hadn’t come here for that.

“I want to congratulate him on getting the Ferrari drive,” Mark continues, “I mean, he did end up stealing the seat that I could have taken.”

Christian rolls his eyes and walks back to the kitchen as he responds, “It was Fernando’s seat Sebastian took and that certainly wasn’t the one you wanted.” He returns with his phone, scrolling through his contacts while Mark fumbles to remove his own from his pants. “One condition,” Christian says sternly, “You don’t fuck with his head. You did that enough. Clear?”

“Crystal,” Mark nods. Apparently it was irrelevant that since his accident Sebastian had completely fucked up his. But since when things fair between them? After transferring in Sebastian’s details from Christian’s phone, address included, Mark stands up.

Their goodbye is a lot warmer than their greeting. Christian wishes him Merry Christmas as they give the other a quick hug. Mark returns the sentiment, with a promise they’d have dinner soon. And this time, he thinks he might keep that promise.

 

How do you begin a text to someone you had barely said two words to in over a year? The thought had consumed Mark in the last fortnight since he had caught up with Christian. With each attempt at making contact with Sebastian, Mark was getting the impression there was no way to break the silence that would seem natural.

In the end, he decided anything by phone wouldn’t be right, especially when he couldn’t even find the words. He’s not sure how making his way to Switzerland and to Sebastian’s front door was going to magically _not_ involve his words. But here was, on Christmas Eve, staring at the front door of a man he had despised over a month ago.

Closing his eyes, Mark takes a deep breath to calm himself; vision immediately filled with Sebastian.

  * He watches Sebastian thrust his hand forward, dressed in his BMW team gear that looked too big on his frame. His face held the widest smile, eyes shining as he introduced himself or the first time.



Mark reopens his eyes, has to take another breath to steady his heart that he thinks skipped a beat – it certainly hadn’t nearly ten years ago.

It wasn’t Sebastian that swung open the front door. In fact, Mark had convinced himself that no one would answer, sure that Sebastian would be in Germany with his family. But instead he was looking into Sebastian’s ex-physio’s steely gaze, watching as the man drew in a breath to make himself appear even larger. He was clearly not opposed to decking him should the situation arise.

“Heikki?” Sebastian calls out from somewhere inside. “Who is it?”

Mark breaks the warning stare from Heikki as Sebastian appears beside him, squishing into the doorframe. He was wearing an apron, covered in flour, dusting his hands as he glances up.

Sebastian stills at the sight of Mark on his front porch. “Mark.” It sounds like the word got stuck in his throat, but this time, Mark doesn’t even need to close his eyes to see how Sebastian’s eyes brighten at his presence. How could he have never noticed that before? Had he been that blind?

The brightness in Sebastian’s gaze was gone a fraction of second later, replaced with something akin to caution. To be expected really, Mark didn’t blame him.

Realising that both men were waiting for him to say something, Mark clears his throat. “Hey,” he greets, shifting his weight from foot to foot, beginning to rethink his whole idea, sure he had just made a very, very bad decision.

Heikki’s hand falls to the back of Sebastian’s neck, the gesture possessive, and Mark doesn’t miss the gentle circle of fingers beneath the touch. Something hot lights up in his stomach.

Heikki _and_ Sebastian. It wasn’t a preposterous notion, they’d been attached to each other for two years. But it did nothing to quell Mark’s rising jealousy as his nostrils flared.

It’s Sebastian that breaks the standoff between the three of them. “Mark,” he says again, arm coming up to remove Heikki’s hand. “Uh, what are you doing here?”

“I was in your neck of the woods,” Mark shrugs trying to sound casual.

Heikki snorts and Sebastian shoots him an annoyed look before speaking in Finnish that results in Heikki stalking away after a snapped response. Mark understood none of the exchange.

Sebastian squares his shoulders, positions himself in the door similar to Heikki, only his smaller frame meant he looked far less intimidating.

“What were you doing here?” Sebastian sounded guarded.

If Sebastian had shown up on his doorstep out of the blue, Mark was sure prior to his crash, he’d have slammed the door already. And yet, Sebastian’s door was still open. If there was one thing he’d learnt since Brazil it was that Sebastian didn’t hate him, and this was just further evidence.

“I was running an errand for Christian,” Mark answers breezily. He watches Sebastian’s eyes narrow. “You can call him and check and if you don’t believe me.” He crosses his fingers in the pockets of his jacket that if Sebastian did confirm that Christian would back him up.

“Okay,” Sebastian relaxes ever so slightly. “But what are you doing _here_.”

“I didn’t want to spend Christmas driving alone. And well Fernando moved back to Spain. Lewis is in Monaco now. And between you and Raikkonen…” He shrugs as he finishes. “Can I crash here?”

Sebastian moves to lean on the edge of the door, a grin spreading across his face as he swings the door contemplatively. Mark wants to punch the smug smirk from his face. “If I showed up on your doorstep on Christmas Eve and asked to spend the night, would you let me?”

Yes. “No.”

The door pushes open. “Great. I am going to rub this in your face forever.”

Mark steps inside as the door slams behind him.

“Don’t touch my things. Don’t look at my things. And keep away from _all_ of my trophies.” Sebastian lists off his rules as Mark shrugs off his jacket. He was sure that he just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Sighing, he closes his eyes as he turns to hang up his jacket.

  * Sebastian immediately dances behind his eyelids, and he sees Sebastian step into the doorframe beside Heikki, watching his eyes light up ever so briefly.



Or maybe this wasn’t a mistake. At the very least, he was sure that Sebastian was the key to fixing his head.

 

“Where are you going?” Sebastian sounded upset.

Mark turns around to see Heikki was pulling on his jacket looking very unimpressed. “Home.”

“You were helping me with cookies!”

“Entertain your new guest.” Heikki scowls at Mark and Sebastian was most definitely pouting.

“I came to keep you company, you don’t need it anymore,” Heikki says giving him a hard hug. “I should get back to Lucy.”

“Lucy?” Mark asks curiously, breaking their very clingy hug.

“Heikki’s stupid girlfriend,” Sebastian mutters and Heikki rolls his eyes as he steps away.

“Right.” That hot ball of jealousy in Mark’s stomach was fading as fast as it had arrived.

“Lay a fucking finger on him, and I’ll hunt you down and skin you,” Heikki hisses to Mark before he lets himself out. Okay so they weren’t in a relationship, but there was definitely something deeper than just friends.

The silence after Heikki’s departure is agonising. Mark can’t think of anything to say. He’d spent the long drive here coming up with an excuse to just be here. Coming up with conversational points wasn’t something that he had gotten to.

Sebastian points behind him. “I’m making cookies.” He turns and walks away then, Mark follows a few minutes later to find Sebastian pulling out a batch and putting in another tray in the oven.

“They smell good,” he comments. “I didn’t take you to be able to bake.”

He’s given a small smile. “I can promise you I have limited skills in the kitchen.” Sebastian examines his freshly baked cookies, prodding a few. “My mum made them every Christmas. It’s not Christmas without them.”

Biscuits had never been part of any Christmas tradition for Mark, but he understood traditions. He walks over, steals a biscuit to try despite it being slightly too hot to touch. “You seeing your parents tomorrow then?” Mark can see Sebastian stiffen, and the only response he gets is a shaken head. “Sorry,” Mark mutters, he’d clearly touched on something tender.

“Its fine,” Sebastian whispers and as he turns passed Mark to dump the tray in the sink Mark doesn’t miss the watery sheen to his eyes.

Something yanks hard in Mark’s chest and he slides against the counter closer to Sebastian. He wanted to touch him, comfort him, but that didn’t seem appropriate for them. So he closes the space in the hopes that was enough.

“Why aren’t you with your family?” Sebastian queries, straightening up and looking composed a few moments later.

“Plans were cancelled,” Mark shrugs. “I was meant to be in Australia, but wasn’t up for the travelling.” It wasn’t even a complete lie. “I haven’t been so great since Brazil,” he confesses.

Sebastian freezes look up with concern. “Your accident? I read you were given a clear bill of health.”

“Yeah,” Mark huffs. “Apparently according the doctors I’m fully recovered.”

Sebastian’s eyes widen a fraction. “You’re not?”

Mark shrugs. “A few head issues. It’s nothing really. Don’t worry about it. It’s more a mental thing I think rather than physical.”

“Oh,” Sebastian relaxes at that. “What kind of mental thing? Afraid to race?”

“Don’t be a nosey shit,” Mark answers not about to give Sebastian any details over his ‘condition’.

“It was just a question,” Sebastian defends hurt. “You can say ‘no comment’ rather than resort to calling me shit.”

“I didn’t call you shit,” Mark says irritated. “Don’t be a fucking princess.”

Sebastian bristles before turning and walking out of the kitchen.

Yeah this wasn’t quite how Mark wanted things to go. Swallowing, he lingers in the kitchen till he hears Christmas carols playing and moves to find Seb, vowing to suppress his sharp responses. He finds Sebastian in the living room, sitting in front of the fire, facing the Christmas tree while eating a Santa shaped cookie. The whole scene couldn’t be more Christmas in appearance unless you shoved Santa Clause in it. Apparently some people didn’t stop loving Christmas when they grew up. Though Sebastian growing up was a valid point of debate.

“Why aren’t you spending Christmas with your family?” Mark asks hesitantly, because looking around at a tree that held only a few presents, and Sebastian’s earlier reaction, Mark was pretty certain that Sebastian was spending it alone.

Sebastian doesn’t answer, just takes another nibble of his cookie and Mark moves to seat himself in front of Sebastian. “I see you and I want to punch you in the face,” Mark tells him honestly, and it has Sebastian shift a few inches further from him. “I want to hit you about Turkey and for taking my championship, I want to hit you for stealing my wing and for what you did in Malaysia, I’d probably hit you twice for Malaysia actually.”

“Just because you’ve twisted all those things into being my fault…”

“They were,” Mark cuts him off sharply, sucking in a sharp breath to suppress the need to argue. “I’m trying to be nice but some habits are hard to break. I don’t mean half the things I say for the record.”

“So you don’t think I’m a five year old?” Sebastian queries with raised eyebrows while biting of Santa’s head.

“You’re eating a fucking cookie shaped like an imaginary man made up for five year olds.” Sebastian smiles at the response and offers the remaining half to Mark, which he takes because they were good.

“So that makes us both five year olds,” Sebastian states as Mark devours the remaining half in one mouthful. He looks smug at his assessment as he leans back to rest on his hands.

“Christian would agree,” Mark grins, and with Sebastian smiling back at him Mark isn’t sure if this moment was real or he had his eyes closed. It felt like so many memories he had of Sebastian smiling at him, only this time he was living it in the present and not the past. Maybe he was sitting to close to the fire because Mark felt hot, uncomfortably hot.

Mark breaks their gaze, watch as Sebastian straightens a leg out and stretches it beside him. He can see Seb’s toes wiggling in his reindeer socks. Not thinking Mark covers his toes with his hand and squeezes them. He hears, rather than sees Sebastian breath catch. He looks back up to see Sebastian’s smile had disappeared and was replaced with a look that Mark felt like he now knew like the back of his hand – hope and what he was sure was want.

Pushing his thumb in the sole of Sebastian’s foot, he massages tiny circles, watching as Sebastian’s mouth went slack at the pleasure. “How long will your biscuits need?” Mark’s not sure why his voice suddenly sounds deeper and raspy all of a sudden. But he can see Sebastian’s reaction, his blue eyes grow darker and he was panting.

Mark’s cock finally takes interest, beginning to swell in his jeans, made all the worse when he rubs the top of Sebastian’s foot and draws out a little moan. Sebastian had either not heard his question or had forgotten he’d asked. Gripping his ankle, Mark yanks Sebastian closer till he was all but sitting in his lap.

“Mark?” Sebastian reaches out to stroke his shoulders, touch almost hesitant. “Is this happening?”

“Don’t know,” Mark answers, his hands stroking Sebastian’s legs that were now on either side of him. “I hit my head in Brazil, I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

“So you’re in a coma and you’re dreaming of me?” Sebastian asks before letting out a gasp when Mark’s hands settle on his hips and he drags him those last few inches to close the space between their bodies.

“I’ve probably died and you’re most definitely the devil in disguise.”

Sebastian’s smile looks feral at the suggestion and its Mark’s turn to hiss when Sebastian rolls his hips, their crotches pressing together as he does. “So I’m torturing you?” Sebastian’s lips are against his ear, breath warm as he continues to grind against Mark.

“Fucking hell, yes.” Mark’s head rolls back on his shoulders, aware that Sebastian was wrapping around him tightly, arms and legs clinging on as he continues the slow dance of friction on his straining erection. Mark can only move his hands to cup Sebastian’s ass and encourage him on. For something so simple, it was frustratingly good.

It doesn’t take long before the pressure behind his fly becomes unbearable as Sebastian shifts against him, eyes locked together making everything feel ten times more intense. It was almost too much, but Mark couldn’t escape. If he closed his eyes, he saw the same vision of Seb, shifting against him in breathless pleasure, lips wet and parted, eyes an intense heated blue that had Mark was sure would burn him alive.

“Don’t,” Sebastian gasps when Mark finally breaks and slides a hand between their crotches intent on at least unzipping his fly.

“Fuck Seb,” Mark hisses as Sebastian yanks his hand out and tosses it to the side. “Watching you right now is the hottest fucking thing.”

“You’re killing me,” Mark groans loudly, arms locking tightly around Sebastian and trying to pull him closer in the hopes it brings relief.

“I thought we agreed that you were dead?” Sebastian says shifting to his knees. Mark doesn’t comment, watching Sebastian pull his sweater over his head and for one moment he’s given a view of a bare stomach, and all that flesh sees Mark pushes his hands beneath the shirt to slide against warm skin.

Sweater is tossed aside but when Sebastian reaches for his, Mark stops him, pushing back a little, staring at his shirt. “What?” Sebastian asks, a tinge of panic to his tone at the idea of Mark rejecting him now.

“Is that an….elf?” Mark moves to pull Sebastian’s shirt tight, staring at the glittery elf that was imprinted on the shirt. Sebastian’s arms fold across his body covering the design. “What does it say?” He hadn’t been able to read the caption, written in Finnish he was sure.

“Nothing. It’s from Kimi.”

“He gave you a shirt?”

Sebastian huffs embarrassed. “He knows I like Christmas.”

Mark snorts. “I’ve been here thirty minutes and I’ve worked out you _love_ Christmas.”

“Yeah well, you’ve been here thirty minutes and we’re practically getting it on,” Sebastian snaps. “What does that mean?”

The question hangs between them, and Mark is aware that the mood from moments ago slips away, but both were breathing just as heavily. “I don’t hate you as much anymore,” Mark finally answers the searching expression from Sebastian kneeling between his legs.

“Mark –“ Sebastian starts but the last thing Mark wanted was a heavy conversation, there wasn’t enough blood in his brain for that.

“What does your shirt say?” Mark repeats his earlier question and it has Sebastian smile as he sits down across his legs.

“Forget the fucking shirt.”

“Sure, take it off then,” Mark orders.

The beeping from the kitchen has Sebastian scramble to his feet. “My Christmas trees!” Mark can only watch as Sebastian darts back to the kitchen, only to reappear skidding on his socks. “Don’t move. Stay right there.” He backs up and Mark who’d been in the process of getting up sits back down. “Stay.” And then Sebastian was gone again.

Mark lies back on the floor and tries to steady his breathing. He rubs his face wondering how any of this was possible. With his eyes closed, he watches Sebastian move in his lap and decides he wasn’t going to give a fuck right now. Reaching down he undoes his fly, giving his cock a squeeze.

“Seriously?”

Mark rolls his head to the left and grins at Sebastian standing there holding two Christmas trees. “You were taking too long,” Mark answers and he moves his hand over his erection watching Sebastian watching him.

There’s an odd squeak from Sebastian and Mark sits up when Sebastian deposits himself back in his lap after flying across the room. Mark’s attempt to help Sebastian undo his own jeans slows things down, and Sebastian snaps at him to let him do it. Mark does, and less than a minute later he’s watching Sebastian’s hand stroking the length of his cock slowly.

“Take your cock out,” Sebastian orders breathlessly. Mark does without hesitating, squeezing his fingers around the length as he does, it makes him groan. Sebastian bites his lip as he stares down, Mark’s eyes also comparing them.

They were a similar length, something Sebastian confirms by taking them both in his grip. Never had Mark had another cock pressed to his and the sensation was almost too much, far too worked up already. He was pleased that Sebastian simply held them and didn’t move his hand.

Sebastian’s other hand moves to join holding them and Mark pants as they move, up and then down, pulling the foreskin over the tip and exposing the sensitive head. Sebastian doesn’t hesitate to sweep his fingers through the precome bubbling from the tip, circling through the slick till Mark can’t help by cry out. Sebastian looks up and grins before he does the same to his own cock and Mark watches the smile fade into whimpers.

“I want to suck you off,” Sebastian whispers before his fingers disappear between his lips to taste the both of them.

“God,” Mark feels like he’s on the edge already, the thought of Sebastian blowing him almost enough to end this all.

Sebastian slides his fingers from his lips with a dirty pop. “But later,” he smiles again, fingers tightening around both their cocks as he begins to move his hand. “I want to watch you come first.”

“Seb,” Mark gasps feeling like this was too much, hips thrusting up into Sebastian’s grip needing him to move his hand faster.

“You’ll come soon,” Sebastian promises soothingly, his other hand dropping down to holding them and beginning to stroke them off faster. Mark says nothing, just lies back down to let Sebastian control the situation since he was clearly not in charge of what was happening.

He’s making far too much noise for a fucking hand job that was lubed with precome and maybe some of Seb’s spit. Feeling like he might completely fly off the edge, Mark pushes a hand to join Sebastian’s, he needed to not be the only one that lost their sanity. His fingers curl around Sebastian’s cock, jerking him off awkwardly, but it’s enough to have Sebastian dissolve into loud cries. Within minutes they’re both tensing up, hips stuttering before he breaks first, coming over their fingers with a hoarse shout, Sebastian falling soon after.

Mark’s panting on the ground, eyes closed as he watches Sebastian come again and again sending aftershocks through his body. Maybe his fucked up head wasn’t so bad after all. Fighting back the urge to sleep he feels Sebastian collapse next to him, pressed against his side but no cuddling. When Mark feels brave enough he opens his eyes and turns to face Sebastian.

He’s lying there looking so completely sated and relaxed it was fucking ridiculous. And he was nibbling at a fucking cooking. Mark stares at his fingers, noticing that Sebastian hadn’t wiped them perfectly clean, but he didn’t seem phased.

“I got you one too,” Sebastian holds him out a second one. “Not as warm but still good,” he promises.

“You’re fingers have come on them,” Mark states not taking the offered treat. Sebastian smirks then.

Dropping the cookie onto his chest, he holds out his fingers instead. “You want our come instead?” Shoving the rest of his biscuit into his mouth, Sebastian rolls fully over, and Mark clenches his teeth tightly as Sebastian attempts to shove his fingers in his mouth.

“At least have a lick,” Sebastian implores, fingers rubbing against his lips before Mark fully tackles him and the two of them wrestle on the ground. There’s yanking of hair, a few slaps and quite a lot of scratches delivered to the other in their fight. Their fight ends when Mark goes to sit up and smacks his head hard against the coffee table.

“Mark?” Sebastian asks and Mark blinks as Sebastian’s face swims in front of his vision. “Mark!”

And for the first time since Brazil, when Mark closes his eyes there’s nothing but blackness. It was bliss and he throws himself at it.

*

There’s shouting. A lot of fucking shouting that Mark thinks his head might explode from it all.

“I can’t believe you fucking slept with him?”

“We didn’t have sex sex,” Sebastian shouts back. “Stop judging me and fix his head!”

Something cold touches Mark’s forehead and he grunts in discomfort, head jerking at the sensation.

“Mark!” Sebastian rushes to kneel beside him.

“Don’t move,” Heikki orders, pressing the ice pack harder against Mark’s head. “You’re an idiot,” Heikki says sharply and Mark’s isn’t sure if that’s directed at him or not.

“Is it bad?” Sebastian’s voice sounds small and Mark can feel him grip his fingers. “There was blood…”

“Small cut,” Heikki grunts. “Doesn’t even need stitches. But he should probably be checked out properly. Take him to the hospital. He’s been out cold for nearly twenty minutes.”

“You want me to take him to the hospital? I can’t do that! People are going to think I tried to kill him! I offered him a fucking Christmas tree cookie! I haven’t tried to kill him at all!” Sebastian sounded truly panicked.

“Calm down Sebastian. I can see killing him was not your intention,” Heikki says dryly. “I’ll take him, but he needs to be checked over.”

“Kay…” Sebastian whispers but Mark can only manage a grunt as a response so instead squeezes his fingers.

Mark turns his head away from the constant slapping on his cheek. “Mark.” Heikki continues to call his name till his eyes flutter open. Heikki and Sebastian’s faces swim in his vision, blurring together sickeningly.

“Hey,” Sebastian murmurs, patting his hair like he was a pet. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Mark immediately attempts to sit up but finds he’s pinned back down by both of them.

“Lie down for a minute,” Sebastian orders and Mark thinks he sounds exactly like he did earlier ordering him around when they were getting off together. Apparently half-conscious doesn’t mean his cock wasn’t working and he groans as it twitches.

“I’ll get his jacket,” Heikki mutters, “Give him a few minutes before you let him sit up.”

Sebastian pushes a hand to his chest, prepared to follow Heikki’s orders to the letter. “I feel fine,” Mark mutters. His head was still killing him, but there was only one Seb now swimming in front of him.

“Heikki’s going to take you to the hospital.”

“No,” Mark protests, he barely makes it an inch from the ground before he’s shoved back down.

“Yes,” Sebastian argues. “And if you’re really okay, then he’ll bring you back.”

“He’ll skin me,” Mark mutters remembering Heikki’s threat.

“Huh?”

“Help me get him to the car,” Heikki says returning.

Mark likes to think he aided in putting on his jacket, that he walked to the car without any assistance. But he could barely stand let alone walk. He feels shakier from hitting his head on a fucking table then when he landed after flipping his car in Valencia. And the moment he was strapped in the car, he must have passed out again, because when he opens his eyes, he’s lying in bed alone in the hospital room. It was morning.

*

For the last month he had done nothing but dream of Sebastian, been forced to remember every unwanted moment of their relationship, but Sebastian’s gone. Mark can close his eyes and see nothing, can fall into a dreamless sleep if he chooses. A few weeks back he’d been relieved to have Sebastian removed from his head, but now he feels very alone.

A nurse checks on him in the morning, takes his vitals before letting him know breakfast would be along soon and he should be right to go home later this morning. Mark thanks her and lies back in bed and looking around the empty room. He spies his jacket in the corner along with his clothes. He wondered if his phone was in there. He should text his parents Merry Christmas…

“Knock, knock.”

Mark looks at the door to see a nervous Sebastian standing there with a basket in one hand and what he hoped was a bag of takeout in the other. Hospital food had never appealed to him. “Hey mate,” Mark smiles, far more relieved than he thought he would be to see Sebastian.

“Nurses were saying I can take you home after breakfast.” He walks in, keeping a respectable distance between them. “Head feel okay?”

“Fucking canes,” Mark answers bluntly.

“At home, I have some pretty impressive pain killers. They’ll knock you out though.”

“I’ll be right,” but Mark smiles his appreciation. He nods at the items in Sebastian’s hands and Sebastian grins.

“Breakfast,” he states putting the brown paper bag down on the tray next to Mark.

“Legend,” Mark beams and Sebastian flushes at the compliment.

“And this is just a small Christmas gift.” He thrusts the basket at Mark, cheeks turning pinker. “Merry Christmas.”

Smiling warmly, Mark takes the gift to see inside the basket was an assortment of beautifully decorated cookies. “You made more?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Sebastian shrugs.

“Wash your hands before you baked?” Mark queries. Sebastian’s pink cheeks flushes bright red, including the tips of his ears. Mark can’t help but grin. “Thank you,” he says genuinely. “Merry Christmas Sebastian.”

“Thanks,” Sebastian whispers as presses into the side of Mark’s bed, hand resting next to Mark’s but not touching. “So uh… last night. Before you knocked yourself out…”

“I’m sure I had assistance on that point…”

Sebastian rolls his eyes but continues. “You show up out of the blue, you bitch at me and then we kind of jerked each other off.”

Mark wonders if there was a way to avoid this conversation, he didn’t really have an explanation on anything, not even on his temporary brain injury which seemed to have vanished completely. “I don’t know Seb,” he finally responds. “I crashed in Brazil and have spent the last few weeks thinking about things.”

“You were thinking about me?” Sebastian looks surprised. “I saw you in Austria last and you didn’t even say hi.”

“I remembered some things, about us…”

“Like what?” Sebastian’s finger had crept across the sheets to brush against Mark’s wrist as he spoke.

“Stuff,” Mark shrugs not wanting to go into detail and it immediately sees Sebastian pout at him determinedly. “Okay,” Mark licks his lips. “That time we made out at Christian’s end of year party.”

Sebastian blinks surprised. “We did not,” he hisses indignantly.

“Yeah, we did a little. It was kinda of hot,” Mark admits.

“We have _never_ made out Mark. I would _remember_ that!”

“You want to call Christian and confirm?”

“Christian saw us?” Sebastian’s eyes couldn’t be any wider and he was back to that pretty shade of pink. “Oh god, kill me now.” Sebastian covers his face with his hands. “How drunk were we?”

“Pretty fucking drunk,” Mark answers with a grin.

Sebastian peeks through his fingers. “So you remembered that after the crash and decided to rock up at Christmas and see me?”

“Something like that yeah.” Mark watches as Sebastian drops his hands, giving him a nervous smile.

“So it must have been a good kiss then?”

Mark rolls his eyes but can’t help but return the smile, even if Sebastian’s was smug.

 

The nurse returns just as they finish up breakfast. Mark is given one final check over by his doctor.

“How’s your head feel this morning Mr. Webber?”

“Good,” Mark answers not about to voice that he still had a lingering headache. He wanted out of the hospital. It was Christmas.

“Next time, be more careful on driveways.” He’s given a smile before being discharged.

“I fell on the drive?” Mark queries as Sebastian sits in an arm chair and watches Mark get redressed.

“Heikki’s excuse,” Sebastian shrugs. “I think it’s far better than explaining that I was trying to force feed you come. That wouldn’t look good on your medical records.”

“Fair point mate.” Pulling on his sweater. Mark was assuming that Sebastian was hanging around to give him a lift back to his place. His car was there, whether he ended up staying was another matter. Mark was surprised to see that Sebastian had stood up and was now right in front of him, and Mark felt heat creeping up his neck at how close Sebastian’s face was to his. Mark notes the concern in Sebastian’s eyes, watches as his fingers gently brush the small cut on his forehead before the tip of his tongue licks at his lips.

“You sure you’re okay to go home?”

“I’m fine,” he whispers, voice sounding low to his own ears. If it was at all possible, Sebastian takes a step forward, hands resting on Mark’s hips as his face moves closer, the space between their lips disappearing.

“What the fuck?”

Both Mark and Sebastian jump apart to see Heikki standing in the doorway looking pissed off. Mark was beginning to think that might be the only expression the Finn was capable of.

“Heikki!” Sebastian had put a whole bed between them. “Mark was checking out.”

“It’s not a hotel Sebastian,” Mark interrupts.

“What are you doing here?”

“What is wrong with you?” Heikki slams the door to Mark’s room closed before stalking over to Sebastian. “Making out in public?” he hisses. “Where is your head?”

“We were not making out,” Sebastian hisses at him. “And why are you here?”

Mark raises his eyebrows at the two of them. Yeah, they were definitely in fucked up a relationship as they begin to argue in Finnish. It was clear that Seb’s fetish with Finns had paid off in some regard, he’d learnt another language. Their arguing comes to an abrupt silence and the room feel arctic when it ended.

Heikki looks up at Mark coldly. “I came to make sure you were okay. I can see that Sebastian has that covered. I have a family lunch I should head off to.”

“Merry Christmas mate,” Mark gives him a tight smile, and Heikki glares in response. “Such a friendly chap.”

“He thinks you’re going to hurt me,” Sebastian says after he walks out. “Thinks I’m being an idiot.” He turns to look at Mark before adding quietly, “He doesn’t get that you can’t hurt me anymore.” There’s a deep sadness that shines in Sebastian’s eyes and Mark feels something break inside of him at the sight of it. Christian had been right, he’d hurt Sebastian a lot over the years.

Sebastian walks out and Mark follows quietly behind, joining Sebastian at the lifts. Mark breaks the silence. “For the record, your relationship is fucked up with Heikki.”

Sebastian looks at him with a frown. “We’re not fucked up,” he defends.

“Really? Are you friends?”

“No, we’re more than friends,” Sebastian answers as the doors open.

“So you’re fucking?” Mark asks as they step inside.

“What?” Sebastian looks confused. “No, Heikki’s not gay. We’re just more than friends without the uh, benefits.”

“Right,” Mark nods pretending to understand. “You’re in love with each other just without the sex.” He smirks then. “You’re a married couple.” Sebastian stares at him clearly unimpressed from the opposite side of the elevator. “Hypothetically, if Heikki wasn’t straight…”

“Oh we’d still be on the honeymoon,” Sebastian answers keeping with Mark’s analogy.

Mark glances at the numbers ticking down before the door dings open on the ground floor. “You know I’m not gay either don’t you?” Mark asks as they both pull their scarves tight, hands shoving into pockets as they drift back to each other’s sides.

Sebastian looks up at him with raised eyebrows. “Fine, but you’re not straight. Heikki and I have never made out drunk, nor has he let me play with his cock for the record.”

The trip back to Sebastian’s is silent, Christmas carols blaring from the radio as they drive, Sebastian of course humming along. It was fucking annoying but Mark doesn’t say anything, just leans his head on the window feeling drowsy, probably from the drugs. Sebastian doesn’t say anything about the hand Mark rested on his thigh, or the thumb that brushed across it comfortingly. Mark was sure that at some point he’d entered an alternate universe, this one was too unbelievable.

When they arrive back at Sebastian’s they both sit in the car, neither making a move to get out. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to drive back home today,” Sebastian says quietly. “I mean if you really want to, you can, but I think you should rest up.”

Mark squeezes his leg before pulling his hand back to his side of the car. “Okay,” he says with a nod. “I’ll rest up for a few days.”

Sebastian looks over, smiling sadly. Mark thinks he didn’t fully ask him to stay for his wellbeing. “What happened with your parents?” Mark asks quietly.

The shaky smile Sebastian had given him slid away, Sebastian looking at him pained. “A few months back, I told them I was gay. It didn’t go down so well,” he confesses quietly.

“I’m sorry Seb,” Mark murmurs and Sebastian shrugs, trying to force his smile back.

“It’s fine. I mean it will be fine. They’re accepting it, it’s just taking some time.”

“Of course,” Mark agrees.

Turning in his seat Sebastian looks at Mark. “We haven’t spoken in forever, more than a year.”

“I’m aware of that fact.”

“In the last ten hours, you’ve eaten my cookies, called me a five year old princess, we’ve had sex and forced me to defend you to Heikki.”

“Yes, and I was unconscious and or passed out for more than half that time.”

“Right,” Sebastian smiles. “We’re definitely fucked up.”

“Not arguing that point either.”

Sebastian’s smile slips away again as he turns serious again. “I told you I was gay.”

“Might have worked out that part somewhere around the time we were undoing each other’s pants.”

“Be serious,” Sebastian demands quietly.

“I am,” Mark responds emphatically. “I’ve never been more serious.”

“So, what is this?”

Mark shrugs. “It’s a thing.”

“A thing?” Sebastian echoes.

“Yeah. It’s been a thing since we met,” Mark explains. “You in your oversized BMW shirt, thinking you were the next big thing. Cocky shit.”

Sebastian grins. “You remember that?”

“Like it was yesterday,” Mark’s voice grows gentle.

“So do you still hate me?” Sebastian asks hesitantly.

“Can I say not right now?” Mark was sure there would always be a part of him that despised Sebastian, but it was no longer all consuming.

Sebastian nods and they fall silent as they stare at each other from their respective seats. It was weirdly comfortable. “We should get out,” Mark finally suggests because they couldn’t sit in the garage staring at the other all day. That would make this whole thing weirder.

They hang up their coats. They sit together under a blanket and watch German Christmas movies while eating Christmas biscuits. Mark thinks this might be one of his best Christmas’s he’s had. Mark grabs his phone and holds it up. “Can I take a selfie of us and send it to Christian?”

Sebastian frowns from where he’s buried beneath his blanket. “Why?”

“For shits and giggles,” Mark grins and while Sebastian rolls his eyes, he does bunch up against Mark and smile for the camera. He immediately forwards it to their former boss. Mark’s phone buzzes shortly afterwards with a text from Christian.

               _I give up_.

“Poor Chris,” Sebastian snorts. “He must be glad to be rid of us.”

“Definitely,” Mark agrees as Sebastian escapes from the blanket and gets to his feet.

“Come on,” Sebastian holds out his hand for Mark to take. Mark takes it with a questioning lift of his eyebrows. “Let’s go upstairs.”

“Okay,” Mark says slowly. Sebastian leads them up through the house and Mark feels his stomach fill with butterflies. “For the record, when I said wasn’t gay, I really haven’t done the sex with a guy thing before.”

“Yeah worked that out right around the time you worked out I was gay,” Sebastian responds calmly as they climb the stairs. He looks over his shoulder and grins. “Just relax, I’ll take care of you.”

Mark roll his eyes. Seb treating him like he might be a virgin was not how this was going to play out. Any retort Mark has dies when they stop at the top of the stairs. Sebastian looks up and Mark follows his gaze to see there was mistletoe hanging above them.

Sebastian looks at him expectantly, gaze full of eager hope. Yeah, Mark’s head might not be able to recall past memories of Sebastian in a blink of an eye, but it was now the one look Mark would never forget. It was a look Mark might never be able to refuse again, it makes his heart pound with fear. He prays that Sebastian never works out how much power he could possibly wield over him while he slips an arm around Sebastian’s waist.

Sebastian lets out a small gasp when Mark yanks him against him fully before Mark watches him wet his lips and his eyes slide closed. Mark smiles at the sight before he spins Sebastian sharply, nearly toppling him off his feet as he shifts them out from under the mistletoe. He was removing any future potential for an argument about who kissed who and why, as Christian said, they could both be fucking petty.

“What are you-“

Mark dips his head and sweeps his lips across Sebastian’s, cutting him off with a press of his lips. It’s not like their first kiss, Mark things this might be a thousand times better. He kinda wishes he didn’t remember their first kiss because this one would have made a far better first choice. Sebastian clinging to him, the happy little sighs he makes as Mark licks his way into Sebastian’s mouth. They only part for air, and Sebastian’s fingers dig into his shoulders to make sure he doesn’t step away. Mark was sure if Sebastian looked at him like this always, he wouldn’t go anywhere.

“That was so good,” Sebastian looked drunk as he swayed on his feet, eyes still closed.

Mark lets him go to walk backwards down the hall. “Which room is yours?” he asks when Sebastian’s eyes flutter open.

“Left door,” Sebastian sounds like he was still dazed.

Mark grins as he opens the door, waiting till Sebastian reached him. “Yesterday you mentioned sucking my cock.” Mark brushes his thumb across Sebastian’s bottom lip. He honestly didn’t care what they did, they could crawl into bed and cuddle and he’d be somewhat content with that.

Sebastian’s eyes change colour, returning to that dark blue that Mark was sure was going to become incredibly familiar. “Are you going to return the favour?”

“Whatever you want,” Mark answers forcing himself to sound calmer than he felt. The response from Sebastian is a feral smile and Mark immediately regrets his choice of his words.

“Excellent,” Sebastian whispers grabbing the front of Mark’s sweater and yanking him into the room. “I’m going to change the way you look at the world.”

If Mark wasn’t pushed onto a bed, with a German crawling all over him, maybe he would have found the time tell Seb that he already had. And he was okay with that.

*            


End file.
